Lately, I've felt like I am drowning. Like I'm under water and can see the sun reflecting in the water but no matter how far out I stretch my arm I can't reach the water's surface. Every facet of my life right now is overwhelming me and I can't find a way out. I go to work, I have 500+ e-mails waiting for me to respond, act or store, which I can never finish as I have to also deal with the 200 new ones I get during my day. All year I've been doing paperwork for school. Applications, essays, financial aid forms, health forms, waivers, tuition invoices, etc. Only to find myself finished days before classes start when I know more paperwork, in the form of homework, is to come. Since December last year, I've seen my dog battle lymphoma. His bravery and cheerfulness through it all made me ashamed of myself because I simply don't have the capacity to deal with things the way he does. And now I found out that unbeknownst to me, I've been watching my neighbor die of liver disease. Financial problems are plaguing me. Gas is outrageous, car payments dreadful and tuition bills unavoidable. My dream of having my own apartment seems farther away than ever right now. And my two closest friends have found their soulmates and are starting to move on, away from me, the third wheel. It all seems unbearable. I know there are other people in more dire situations. I'm not hungry, homeless, bankrupt or in danger of dying. I've been an optimist all of my life, and I'm scared that the way my life is going that I'll be on the road to living in a state of permanent cynicism. So I try to remain cheerful. I don't like writing negative posts on my blog, but I feel like I should really get this off my chest. Hope springs eternal, and maybe someday soon my life will take a turn for the better.
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