Book Review: It's Not Him, It's You! by Dr. Laura Berman

It's Not Him, It's You!

How to Take Charge of Your Life and Create the Love and Intimacy You Deserve

by Laura Berman PhD

Dorling Kindersley

$25.00

Hardcover

January 2011

My beau Carlos and I became fans of Dr. Laura Berman after watching her short-lived TV series Sexual Healing on Netflix Instant Watch. In the show, she took on two couples with serious intimacy issues and worked with them for a few weeks on their troubles. She would meet with them together as a couple and one-on-one. Berman would also give them homework assignments, intimacy experiments that they would do in private (or in public depending on the task) and would report back at the next meeting. Some of the cases were pretty serious and Carlos and I were always impressed on how she dealt with them. She listened to them, asked them thought-provoking questions and always encouraged communication between the partners.

So when I saw that DK was offering up some galleys of this book for review on Shelf Awareness, I jumped on the chance. I thought, if anything, it could help improve my love life.

The copy I received was a paperback galley with pixelated black and white photographs. I hope that the final hardcover will be in color! The design overall was very good and I'm excited to see the final product when it publishes next year.

The book covers many topics from dating, sex, long-term relationships, health issues, family, stress, etc. The way the different sections are structured makes it easy to read and great as a reference guide. The book is peppered with quizzes, lists, strategies, sexy photographic spreads, and thought-provoking essays. The target audience of this book is primarily women but men could read it as well. You can be single, in a casual relationship, in a long-term relationship, married, divorced, it doesn't matter. It is pretty much guaranteed that regardless of your current romantic status that there are several sections of this book that will relate directly to you. It's evenly balanced and I didn't feel like it catered to one group of women over another. This is the type of book that women could easily share with their female firends and family members. 

In my opinion, the main goal of the book is to help you not sabotage your relationship. Because let's face it, that's what many of us do. Both men and women have a tendency to destroy their relationships because they are scared or they don't put in the effort required to keep a relationship healthy and thriving. This book focuses on how women do that and how they can stop doing that and improve their love lives. I found it very empowering but several times throughout the book I would stop and wonder if "It's Not Her, It's You!" would ever be published.

Personally, I got the most out of the section about the "blame game". I didn't quite buy the you spot it you own it idea that if you see some flaw in someone else you have that flaw as well. However, I do think I have a tendency to blame people for things they haven't done. This is my way of lashing out at people in order to protect my vulnerable self-esteem. Also, Berman suggests that if you confront your partner over a certain issue that you be more careful with your words. This is something I really need to work on as I am prone to spout things that are hurtful just because I want to see the other person's reaction. This is NOT healthy! I realize this now and will try to be more careful with my words.

Laura Berman's book It's Not Him! It's You is like having your own sex and relationship therapist in the privacy of your own home. Having it available in your library will empower you to take steps to improving your love life.

Full Disclosure: The e-newsletter Shelf Awareness featured an ad by publisher DK offering a limited number of ARCs/galleys to folks who were interested. I sent a request and received a copy. Thank you DK!

Excuse me but that song just made fun of you

Outkast totally pulled the wool over your eyes and you didn't even know it.

I love this song! But at the same time I also recognize it as one of the biggest scam I've ever heard. It's anti-love, pro-casual sex and it basically insults the listener. It's dance beat and the repetition of words like "shake it like a polaroid picture", "alright", "hey ya", "why oh why oh", etc. hypnotizes listeners into a frenzy of gyrations. They are too busy dancing to notice that Andre is talking to a girl whose love he can't return but whose body he still wants to enjoy. He keeps on this point for about 2 minutes until the insult comes. Andre mutters, almost under his breath right before the song bridges to it's climax. "Y'all don't wanna hear me, y'all just wanna dance." That's right Andre. Most of the people who will listen to this song will completely overlook the anti-love message you are spouting and will be dancing to the beat, oblivious to your negative thoughts on love. They are only there to dance, not to be preached to. By the point that Andre says, "y'all just wanna dance" and delivers a few more lines of lyrics, he completely drops the anti-love message and basically commands his audience to start shaking their bodies like they would shake a polaroid picture to get it to develop faster. Genius! He stops his message before the audience can catch on and encourages them to lose themselves in the beat and in their dancing.

Let's talk about the elements of the video for a bit. There is a green coffin on stage. I like to think that represents the death of love. How it's not forever because like Andre says, if nothing is forever so why is love the exception. And I think it's kind of funny that the actor Ryan Philippe, who was notorious for cheating on his ex-wife Reese Witherspoon, introduced the Andre-multiple fake band "The Love Below" in the video. If anyone knows how to kill love with a swift blow, it's him! Not that they would have known that in 2003 but I like this regardless. Now, let's talk about those multiples Andres. All in green and with different functions and personalities. What a great distraction! While you are watching the video, you'll be too busy picking out all the Andres to realize that Andre is breaking up with his girlfriend in the song. The girls screaming in the background to be Andre's next girlfriend (whichever Andre on stage they can get). I think this is funny too. He just said he doesn't believe in love. So you want to be with him so he can make you cum-a and toss you aside?

I've talked to a few people about the anti-love message and the insult in the song and most of them never noticed (well duh that's the point) or they think I've over-analyzing the song. If you think of a song or any type of art whether it be a book, a movie, a painting, etc. is only what it is at the surface then you are deluding yourself.  There is always something more once you pull back the curtains and see what's really inside.

Lyrics

My baby don't mess around 

because she loves me so

and this I know for sure

but does she really want to

because she can't stand 

to see me walk out the door

don't try to fight the feeling

'cause the thought alone

is killing me right now

Thank God for mom and dad

for sticking two together

'cause we don't know how

hey ya, hey ya, hey ya, hey ya

hey ya, hey ya, hey ya, hey ya

you think you've got it?

oh you think you've got it?

but got it just don't get it

'cause there's nothing at all

we fit together

oh we fit together

but separate is always better

when there's feelings involved

'cause what they say is

nothing is forever

then what makes, then what makes, then what makes

love the exception?

so why oh why oh why oh why oh why oh

are we so in denial?

when we know we're not happy here

Y'all don't want to hear me

Y'all just want to dance

Don't want to meet your Daddy

just want you in my Cadi

Don't want to meet your Momma

just want to make you cum-ah

I'm, I'm just being honest

I'm just being honest

alright now fellas

yeah?

what's cooler than being cool?

ice cold

I can't hear you

what's cooler than being cool?

ice cold

alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright...

ok now ladies

we are going to break this thing down in a second

now don't make me break this thing down for nothing

now I want to see y'all on your baddest behavior

lend me some sugar, I am your neighbor

Shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, like a polaroid picture (repeat)

hey ya (repeat)

What do you Google?

I have a very curious mind. I get it from my Dad. My curiosity is like an itch that I have to scratch and if I can't scratch it I will go out of my mind with anxiety. Or perhaps a lighter version of that.

Now, I've been online for quite a while so I've been "Googling" things before Google even existed. I would do searches on Altavista, Lycos but mostly Yahoo!. Today, I almost exclusively Google but do occasionally visit Bing or Yahoo!. If I'm not looking up something for my job, for my blogs or hobbies, I'm Googling questions, things I heard, new information I learned and want to know more about, trends and topics, etc. I Google a lot of things and while I'm not the best Googler out there, I feel like I'm pretty competent.

What do I Google?

Here is a list of things that I Google on a regular basis:

1) Symptoms - Confession: I'm a bit of a Hypochondriac. If there is anything amiss with my body, I will Google the symptoms and research the ailment trying to self-diagnose. I remember one month I was getting some cramps in my chest, I think I Googled "breast cancer" almost every single day. Last Thursday, I was pretty sick and had to lie down for most of the day. This caused me some acid reflux that has been affecting me ever since. So I Googled those symptoms. Some months ago, I had a really large and painful cyst (don't ask). While I was waiting for Carlos to pick me up to bring me to the Emergency Room, I spent the time Googling symptoms on my iPhone. Now, while I know health resources online are valuable, I would never self-medicate myself with anything other than the recommended dosage of an OTC drug. However, it is a comfort to know what I have or to know something is normal and treatable.

2) Quiverfull, Prairie Muffins, Polygamy, Helpmeet - I'm fascinated with Quiverfull and FLDS Polygamist lifestyles. Several times a month, I plop these keywords into Google and I read blog entries, Facebook pages, news articles, etc. Something I'm starting to do more these days is to search keywords through YouTube (not through Google's Video search though, which I don't care for).  I found this very interesting clip about a Quiverfull family over the weekend. Why do I Google these terms? I just find these lifestyles very interesting and at the same time very scary. There is a dehumanizing of the female that happens in sacrifice of family that fascinates me endlessly. Especially since I see the same thing in mainstream culture but for other reasons.

3) Pushba - Once in a while, I'll declare "It's Pushba time!". Pushba is a young Russian woman who is some sort of alternative model. She shaves her hairline, wears numerous piercings, has various tattoos, uses crazy make-up and wears a strange array of clothes. I found her when I was reading the funny website Tacky Weddings and they did a post about her Russian Goth Wedding. I did some research on her and found she keeps a Livejournal (NSFW), which I can't read because it's all in Russian, and a Gallery (NFSW) of her modeling. Her photos are so captivating. I can look at them for hours! I never bookmark her sites, instead I just like to Google her. Why? I'm not sure. Maybe searching for her is part of what I like about Pushba time.

4) Questions - If I have a question about anything, I'll Google it. No really. I'll Google the actual question because chances are the question contains all the necessary keywords needed for the search. Maybe this is me being conditioned from the AskJeeves.com days. Most of the time, these questions are personal and relate to sex and romance. But I ask all sorts of other types of questions too.

So what do you Google?

How I Macgyvered Our Toilet; or War against the Ballcock

Our home toilet hasn't been doing so great. The lift chain which is pulled by the handle in order to lift the flush ball and flush the toilet was broken. It was being kept attached to the flush ball with a paper clip. Then the Ballcock, the part of the toilet which is connected to the water pipe and fills the tank with water, was spouting water from the top instead of from beneath the cap. This was causing water to come out of the lid of the toilet onto the seat, the floor or completely soaking our rolls of toilet paper. We managed to survive with these two problems. The paper clip had to be readjusted ever so often and the Ballcock could be twisted in a way that it wouldn't spurt water out the top. But this required removing the toilet lid and fixing the Ballcock quickly every 3-4 flushes.

I kept bugging Carlos to call his Plumber friend to fix this.

Fast forward a couple months and my beau gets really sick. And let's just say the toilet is put to the ultimate test during this time and it fails. The part of the handle that is attached to the lift chain completely broke. In order to flush the toilet, you had to remove the toilet lid and pull the lift chain yourself. Oh my. We have to keep the toilet lid off at all times in order to use the toilet at all.

I know Carlos won't call the Plumber friend anytime soon. He likes to procrastinate.

If you know anything about me, you will know I'm as stubborn as a mule and I don't like to ask for help. So off I went to Lowes to get myself a Toilet repair kit. I must have stood out in my grey Modcloth dress, pink cardigan and black cloche hat (I wish I had snapped a picture) traipsing about the gigantic warehouse. There were tons of Lowes employees around swarming the aisles and I weaved through them, avoiding them until I found the Plumbing section. I looked through the various options. Should I just get a handle and a lift chain and deal with the spurting Ballcock? Should I get a Ballcock too? Which one should I get? In the end, I decided on getting a complete toilet repair kit that came with all the essentials for a 8-1/2 inch toilet (handle, ballcock, float, float arm, flush valve, guide arm, flush ball, lift wire, etc.). I noticed that the package didn't come with a lift chain and that they were only $2. I decided I would buy that too just in case.

Good thing I did because turns out, I didn't really have an 8-1/2 inch toilet. It was more like 6 inches.

First thing I did when I got home was shut off the water and drain the tank. This was already going to be a messy job, we don't need water getting everywhere too. Then I screwed off the hose and removed the handle. Next was the Ballcock. The ballcock has several pieces. It has a small tube which gets hooked up to the water hose. This tube goes through a hole at the bottom of the tank. A plastic washer screws the Ballcock in place and a rubber ring keeps water from seeping out of the tank. With the old Ballcock, the washer was on so tightly that I couldn't remove it. I took a wrench to it, almost destroying the small tube and most of the washer. It still wasn't budging. Then I removed the float arm and float that are attached to the Ballcock and may get in the way of me removing the device. Still wasn't budging. Who ever put that washer on tightened it so tight I'm surprised he didn't break the toilet in the process. I tried several things until I started getting desperate (this is where my stubborn nature comes in).

So out came the saw.

All that was in the way of me fixing this damn toilet was removing that stupid washer. So I grabbed the saw and started cutting away. Flakes of plastic were flying everywhere. I almost got to the toilet when I realized this wasn't working.

Then I declared war against the Ballcock.

I put on a pair of my pink rubber gloves and twisted the top of the Ballcock so hard that it came right off, splitting the the washer in two. I grabbed the Ballcock and held it up triumphantly, bringing it to my beau and proclaimed "I pulled out that mother fucker!".

Now that the biggest obstacle was over, I was sure everything would be a breeze. That's where I was wrong. When I put the new Ballcock in place and was fitting the new float arm and float I realized that the arm was way too long. Shit. I bought the wrong kit. The float was so pressed up against the toilet wall that it wouldn't budge no matter how much water was in the toilet. The whole point of a Ballcock is that it cocks the ball. No I'm not being perverse. There is a little lever on top of the Ballcock that holds the float arm and float. When the water in the tank gets to a certain height, it lights the float. When the float is up to a certain level, the lever on the Ballcock snaps shut preventing more water from filling the tank. This device HAD to work or there was no use. So I decided to use the new Ballcock with the old float arm and float. Luckily this worked with no problem.

Now there was the issue with the flush ball and chain. The toilet repair kit had several pieces that put together would create a very complexe flush-ball-lifting system. I didn't quite get it. I preferred the flush ball and chain (two pieces, super simple). Turns out the length and sizes of the pieces weren't going to work with my overflow tube or even the height of the tank. I had to nix them altogether. I'm so happy that I spent that extra $2 on the new lift chain because I used the old flush ball, attached the new chain and connected it with a strange paperclip-looking piece that came with the kit to the handle bar. I turned on the water, the tank filled up and I did a test flush. It worked! An amalgamation of new and old pieces, no more paperclips, and I didn't even need chewing gum or duct tape to Macgyver this toilet!

Book Review: Give the Drummer Some by Mark Zero

Give the Drummer Some
by Mark Zero
9781933975047
Giant Publishing
August 2010

Mouse Watkins was the drummer of the funk band The Bad Apples. After a falling out with fellow band member Gateway and the realization that his band and his music wasn't what it used to be, Mouse tries to live like everyone else. He gets a regular day job working, moves out of his mom's home and into his own apartment. During a particular stormy winter in St. Louis, Mouse's retirement from The Bad Apples has put his life into an upheaval. He rekindles a romance with an old flame Shauna, explores Christian Science and fights his personal and professional battles with his old band mate and his family. This novel asks the question: what does a musician do when the spotlight ceases to shine on them?

Mark Zero's Give the Drummer Some is a sensitive look at a musician's fall from grace and the subsequent reivention of the self. Mouse is a veritable literary Phoenix and the reader will enjoy following his journey as he rises from the ashes.

My favorite parts of the book pertained to Mouse's innocent exploration of Christian Science. Growing up Baptist but not being religious, Christian Science offers something to Mouse that nothing else in his present circumstances offer and that's stability and order. Mouse's job at the Anheiseur Busch factory is only temporary. If he can't become a permanent member of staff or get a new job he will lose his apartment. His relationship with former groupie Shauna has serious highs and lows. On top of all that, everything is being covered with layers of snow that will later disappear. Nothing seems permanent. At any given moment, things can slip away. Mouse first visits a Christian Science bookstore. He seeks shelter in the bookstore after walking several miles in the snow. He needs a quiet place to warm up physically and cool off emotionally. Curious about the religion, he gets pamphlets and attends service. He likes how the religion is the opposite of his music and it's freeform style. And while he doesn't intend to convert to the religion, learning about it helps him find balance in his own life.
I personally loved this book and savored each chapter. This is the third book I've read by Mark Zero and I have to say it's by far my favorite. There is no way you will not fall in love with Mouse Watkins, sympathize with him and see parts of yourself in him. Reading about Mouse's relationship with Shauna and his exploration of Christian Science struck a chord with me and I had a personal revelation while reading the novel which I hope will help me become a better person.

Read this book now! You won't regret it.
The author Mark Zero http://www.bookmarkzero.com/
Give the Drummer Some book site: http://giantpublishing.com/givethedrummersome/
Give the Drummer Some book trailer



Special thanks to author Mark Zero for providing me with a Galley for review.

My French Journey

Polyglots are so hot.

Yesterday, Adriana over at Indigo Spells wrote about the nine languages that she's studied. Yes, you read that correctly, NINE. Bulgarian, Russian, English, French, Albanian, Greek, Romanian, Italian and Spanish. Yowzah. That's a lot. She's not fluent in all 9 but I commend her for at least tackling all of them.

Recently, I have been listening to Michel Thomas' Method French for Beginners plan in my car on my morning commutes to work. I picked up this 8-CD course at a Barnes & Noble back in 2000 when I worked there.  It was at first to prepare for a trip to Paris which never happened but then over the past 10 years of owning the set I've picked it up with the intention of becoming fluent.

But I haven't been learning French off and on for 10 years. Oh no. It's been more like 20+ years. It all started with a big loveable alien named Muzzy.

The Muzzy Language Learning Program for Children is an educational cartoon developed by the BBC in 1986 to teach English-as-a-Second-Language and then adapted by Early Advantage to teach other languages as well. The cartoon has a plot which is very slow and is interrupted by interstitials which take a moment to teach children more vocabulary words. Muzzy, the main character, is an alien from outerspace who visits the Kingdom of Gondoland. Gondoland is run by the King (la rei), the Queen (la reine) and Princess Sylvie (or Sylvia). Sylvie is in love with Jean (or Bob) the gardener (Jean le jardinier) but the King and Queen want her to marry the evil scientist Corvax. Both Jean and Muzzy get in trouble and get thrown in jail. Can Muzzy get back to his spaceship and can Jean rescue Sylvie from marrying the evil Corvax?

Starting at the age of 8 or so, I watched Muzzy over and over and over again and I learned a lot of French by doing so. Repetition is key to learning and there was a lot of repetition in the program and it begged for repeat viewings.

I learned some important words and phrases:

• j'ai (I have)
• j t'aime or j'aime (i love you or i love)
• on y va (off we go)
• bon jour (good day), bon apres-midi (good afternoon), bon soir (good evening), bonne nuite (good night)
• Arrete (stop)
• comment allez vous? (how are you?)
• merci, s'il vous plait (thank you, please)
• grand (big), petit (small)
• voila (look!)
• la (there) ici (here)
• months of the year
• how to count from 1 to 10
• letters of the alphabet
• seasons
• colors

I learned some silly stuff too:

• j'aime les parcmetres (i love parking meters. Muzzy likes eating clocks and parking meters!)
• j'ai un hamburger (I have a hamburger)
• je suis mal a la tete (I have a headache or literally I am ill of the head)
• les raisin et le prune (the grapes and the plums)
• j'ai un ordinateur (I have a computer)
• Je suis Jean, je suis le jardinier (I am Jean, I am the gardener)
• je suis le grand Muzzy (I am the big Muzzy)

Building upon those basics as well as my own understandings of English (which comes from French and German) and Spanish and Portuguese (which are both Romance languages as is French), I am very confident that I could learn to become fluent in French. What helps my confidence is that Michel Thomas' Method of teaching is so natural and fluid that he has you spouting full sentences in French within a few minutes of starting the lesson. There is no vocabulary to memorize, no workbooks, no charts, no nothing. The lesson plan comes only with the CDs and you basically listen and talk your way into learning French. You are learning along with a male and female student (which is important because of gender specific words that men would use versus women and vice versa) and if you pretend you are student #3 you can learn right along with them. This is why the CD set is perfect to listen to in the car (by yourself) because you can say the words, phrases and sentences out loud and perfect your pronounciation without worrying about bothering anyone else.

I am a veritable Michel Thomas fan girl. I love the man. He passed away in 2005 at the age of 90 and had a very long career as a polyglot. He even taught Princess Grace Kelly how to speak French when she needed to learn quickly before marrying Prince Rainier of Monaco. He left us with many recordings in which he teaches students French, Spanish, Italian, German, Portuguese and other languages. I'm hoping that with the help of Michel Thomas that I will become fluent in French, regain my fluency in Portuguese and perfect my Spanish.

The art of speaking multiple tongues is highly valued by many. There is a lot of resistance in the United States to speak anything other than English which I think is utterly ridiculous. Being raised by Spanish and Portuguese speaking parents, I understand the value of speaking multiple languages, being able to help out those learning English and broadening my horizons. I can visit any Spanish or Portuguese speaking country with no problem and can visit a French speaking country just barely get by. Yet there are people who travel who don't even try to learn a few basics. Instead they speak English super slow as though that way people can understand them.

Are you learning a language? Do you speak multiple ones? Is there a language you've always wanted to speak but haven't tackled learning it yet? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Moving in Together

AskMen.com has an interesting article about how to adjust to moving in with your significant other. I forwarded it on to my beau Carlos because he and I just must in with each other a month ago and while I've adjust physically to living in the new space, we are both still adjusting to sharing our lives together this intimately. While the article had a lot of really good points about adjusting to each other's mood, developing on one's space and privacy and actively keeping up the romance and sex, I feel a bit strange about the fact that the author of the article claims to have lived with several girlfriends at this point. To me, I take that as he's had several failures. Does that make him an expert? Has he gained wisdom from these experiences? However, he has enough good advice that I didn't question the legitimacy of the article. He ends the article asking men to keep the romance alive and to continue to develop the friendship that is part of the relationship. I think this is really crucial. A woman can start to feel taken for granted especially if her man is used to her constant availability. She has to feel special otherwise she'll feel trapped.

Why am I as a woman reading this article on AskMen.com about relationship advice? Because women's magazines and sites are fluff. At AskMen.com, they are not afraid to post articles about real issues and not just the same recycled articles about the 100 ways to have a mind-blowing orgasm. And until sites like Jezebel.com start offering relationship advice, I'm sticking with AskMen.com.

Mad Men

Mad Men Season 4 Episode 4

Mad Men Season 4 Episode 3

Spilled Iced Tea and my Mother's admiration

On my list of 30 things for my 30s, I listed the following:.


28. develop a sense of elegance and grace. I'm clumsy on a good day. I could get away with it in my 20s but not in my 30s.

This morning, during my visit with my parents, my mother gave me a McDonald's styrofoam cup filled with unsweetened iced tea. I put the cup on the side table and took the straw out of it's paper sleeve and inserted the straw into the cup. Pretty basic right? Well, not for me. The cup decided to leap off the table, do a half flip in mid-air and spill all of it's contents (ice, lemon, tea, straw) onto the floor. Not one drop of tea was left in that cup.

I was furious. Why the f*** does this kind of s*** happen to me? ALL THE F***ING TIME?!

I burst into tears. How am I ever going to become a 30-something that people take seriously if all I do is fumble with words and objects?

My mother saw me crying and told me to stop it because this wasn't an occasion to shed tears. I explained to her that it was more than just the iced tea. It was about being taken seriously. About being a grown-up.

My mom told me again to stop it. Basically, she told me to shut up. She said that I have done something she has never been able to do. Live alone. She went on to tell me that she admired that I got my own place, moved out, worked, paid my own bills, took care of myself (cooking, cleaning, laundry, everything) and that I didn't have to rely on anybody for anything. My mom is scared if my dad passes away what she'll do to maintain the household. She's never paid a bill in her life and she's always depended on someone to help her out.

Her admiration made me feel really good about myself. And even though I'm moving in with Carlos, I spent the last four years taking care of myself with nobody's help. So I can go into that new phase of my life, knowing that I held my own and I can do it again if need be.

30 things for my early 30s

I have a big move coming up. Everything I've grown accustomed to in the past 4 years will be gone. I will no longer be living by myself, independently. Instead I'll be moving in with my boyfriend and will have to learn how to coexist in the same space with him. In three weeks, I'll be packing up my lovely apartment and moving out. But this isn't the only big change that's happening this year. In November, I'll be hitting a major age milestone when I turn 30.

I've been reading blogs for almost a decade now and a few of the bloggers that I have followed have turned 30 and made 30 lists. Either things they want to accomplish by the age of 30 or during their 30th year or for the duration of their 30s. And of course these lists consist of 30 things. So I thought I would create a list of the 30 things I would like to accomplish during my early 30s. 30 is a fairly big number so I'm going to mix lofty goals with smaller ones to make this realistic.

1.  ommitted due to personal nature (if it happens I'll let you know later)
2. develop some natural gravity. people tend to treat me like I'm a big joke. I don't want that to continue through my '30s.
3. work on my languages. get more proficiency in Spanish and Portuguese and acquire more vocabulary in French and Swedish.
4. finish the 25 books Latinas should read challenge
5. improve my wardrobe. I've been so poor the past few years that I've been holding on to my threadbare clothes. Its time for a change.
6. clear away my student loan debt. I think I'll be able to pay off my credit cards before I turn 30 so I just have this student loan to tackle. Lucky for me, it wasn't that big to begin with so this should be doable.
7. develop a few key organizational skills. I used to be super organized and now I'm just plain scatterbrained. I need to recapture my inner organizational diva.
8. take a vacation. And not just a few days off to work on things. A proper trip somewhere far away.
9. maintain a good relationship with my parents. It's the best it's ever been right at this moment and I want that to continue.
10. be in the best shape of my life. I was in really good shape in early '09. I want to get back to that.
11. run a 5k race.
12. try to read 3 books a week. 2 books for work and 1 book for pleasure.
13. lengthen my attention span. Do various exercises to keep my attention focused longer.
14. watch all the classic films I own, either recorded on VHS tapes and my ever-increasing pile of DVDs. I take for granted that they are there waiting for me.
15. start looking for a house with Carlos
16. exercise several instances of patience. It's unlikely I'll flip a switch and be completely patient but some exercises will help.
17. explore some of the things I loved so much as a child. Following the I'm Remembering Tumblr has made me realize how much the toy & TV culture of the 80s was a part of my life. It must have shaped me some how. I need to figure out how it has.
18. liven up my music library. It's kind of sad right now.
19. get more into Jazz music. Read more about performers and amass a greater collection of works.
20. learn some hairstyles and hair management tricks. My hair is either down with a side split or up in a bun or ponytail. I need to start experimenting.
21. knit. something. anything. How about that knitted tie I keep meaning to make? Maybe I'll attempt a sock? ::gasp::
22. have cocktails at fancy bars in the city. My recent trip to Noir bar has put me in the mindframe of dressing up, going out and having some fancy drinks.
23. frequent my local repertory theaters. I already do this but I need to keep doing this. And more often if I can.
24. keep learning how to cook and keep improving my culinary skills. Raquelle-as-chef is always a work-in-progress.
25. work on my skin. It's always been a mess, thanks to hormones and genetics. There's gotta be something I can instead of just covering it up.
26. visit friends. My friends have been selfish and self-absorbed so I've been avoiding them. It's time to get back in touch.
27. with #26 in mind, I want to focus more on people who are thoughtful, generous and kind and less on people who are selfish and greedy.
28. develop a sense of elegance and grace. I'm clumsy on a good day. I could get away with it in my 20s but not in my 30s.
29. keep up with my blogs. This is important to me as it's an outlet.
30. start my own business. What that will be, I have no idea.

The whole point of this list is that I want to be a better, enhanced, more adult version of myself in my 30s. I want to demonstrate that I can grow as an individual.

Mad Men: Season 4 Episode 2

Give the Drummer Some by Mark Zero - Book Trailer

My good friend Mark Zero has a book coming out on August 17th: Give the Drummer Some. Check out this book trailer he made for it. Funk-ay!

Mad Men: Season Four

I don't really watch TV shows very often but I will clear my schedule to make room for Mad Men. It's just a top-notch show.

Living Life to the Fullest - Instantes

The Spanish Blog over at Transparent Language posted an anonymous poem called Instantes. I was really moved by it since it really demonstrated how much we deny ourselves pleasure and how we take our lives for granted. Just reading it makes me want go out and live life and have fun while I still can. No one who reads this will not be affected by it.

Here it is in the original form in Spanish as well as my translation into English.

Instantes

Si pudiera vivir nuevamente mi vida.
En la próxima trataría de cometer más errores.
No intentaría ser tan perfecto, me relajaría más.
Sería más tonto de lo que he sido, de hecho
tomaría muy pocas cosas con seriedad.

Sería menos higiénico.

Correría más riesgos, haría más viajes, contemplaría
más atardeceres, subiría más montañas, nadaría más ríos.

Iría a más lugares adonde nunca he ido, comería
más helados y menos habas, tendría más problemas
reales y menos imaginarios.

Yo fui una de esas personas que vivió sensata y prolíficamente
cada minuto de su vida; claro que tuve momentos de alegría.

Pero si pudiera volver atrás trataría de tener
solamente buenos momentos.

Por si no lo saben, de eso está hecha la vida, sólo de momentos;
no te pierdas el ahora.

Yo era uno de esos que nunca iban a ninguna parte sin termómetro,
una bolsa de agua caliente, un paraguas y un paracaídas;
Si pudiera volver a vivir, viajaría más liviano.
Si pudiera volver a vivir comenzaría a andar descalzo a principios
de la primavera y seguiría así hasta concluir el otoño.

Daría más vueltas en calesita, contemplaría más amaneceres
y jugaría con más niños, si tuviera otra vez la vida por delante.

Pero ya tengo 85 años y sé que me estoy muriendo.

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Moments

If I could live my life again.

The next time I would try to make more mistakes.

I wouldn't try so hard to be perfect, I'd goof off more.

I'd be crazier than I have been, in fact

I would take fewer things seriously.

I'd be less hygienic.

I'd run more risks, take more trips, watch

 more sunsets, climb more mountains, swim more rivers.

I'd go more places I had never been, eat

more ice cream and fewer lima beans, I'd have more

real problems and fewer imaginary ones.

I was one of those people who lived sensibly and proficiently

every minute of my life; of course I had moments of joy.

But if I could go back in time I'd try to have

only good moments.

Because if you don't know, that's what makes a life, only those moments;

don't lose the present.

I was one of those people who never went anywhere without a thermometer,

a hot-water bottle, an umbrella and a parachute;

If I could relive my life, I'd travel lighter.

If I could relive my life I'd walk barefoot at the beginning

of spring and would continue until the end of autumn.

I'd take more rides on the Carousel, watch more sunrises

and play more with my kids, if I had my whole life again before me.

But now I am 85 years old and I know that I am dying.

Sugar (2008)

Sugar (2008) follows the story of Miguel Santos, whom everyone nicknames 'Sugar', a young Dominican man who has chops as a carpenter but finds a special talent in his country's major sport, Baseball. His knuckle ball catches the eye of American baseball recruiters and soon he is whisked away from the Dominican Republic and put on a farm team for the Kansas City Knights. He moves from Arizona to Iowa and finally to New York, experiencing various levels of culture shock along the way. Some how he breaks through the language barrier and makes a life for himself in the States, but not quite in the way he expected.



Growing up with a Dominican mama and with Dominican family, I have seen the Sugar story many times but in very different forms. Members of the Dominican diaspora are a bit like Phoenixes, the mythical birds that rise and burn only to rise again. No matter how badly they fall, they always manage to pick themselves up and start again. Dominicans are the ultimate survivors and we see this in Sugar. He has very limited English and has probably never been outside the confines of the isle of Hispanola. He tells his girlfriend that he'll drive back home in a Cadillac that can travel over water. He doesn't know what to expect but also has false expectations. He's separated from his friends and family little by little. Some of his buddies go with him to Arizona, and one goes with him to Iowa, but eventually he is alone and has to start a new life for himself.


The Dominican Republic is famous for their Baseball players. It's a veritable religion there, like soccer is with the rest of the world. Many baseball players are recruited from the DR but only a few make it to the big leagues. Sugar is one of those athletes who has a chance at the big leagues but life takes him in a different direction. Algenis Perez Soto was a perfect choice to play Sugar. He has a quiet somberness that expresses a lot of emotion without emoting. He's pensive, curious, scared, ambitious, driven, shy, playful, and he shows all of this with an almost blank stare. The cinematography is very tied into the main character. We get lots of scenes in Sugar's point of view and many of the shots reveal Sugar's naivete or something new he is about to experience. For example, in New York he looks for a place to stay. His eyes/the camera settle on "Caribe Hotel". He choses this place because of "Caribe"/"Carribean", it reminds him of home. But the hotel is really a hotbed of prostituion and a seedy nook of clandestine encounters. We know this off the bat and we want to protect Sugar, but we can't. We have to sit back and watch as he figures it out for himself.

This film gets the Dominican culture right on. The unexclusivity of romantic relationships, the feeling of entitlement in family, the connection to home but the desire to find something better, the liveliness, the dancing, the social ease, etc. It's all there along with the juxtaposition of colorful and stark visuals that represent the DR so well.

As the movie progressed, I couldn't help but chuckle as I could connect so many elements of the story with my mother's experience. She left the DR in her 20s, without any grasp of the English language, with unrealistic notions of what life in the US would be like and with the knowledge that she would never move back to her homeland. She struggled in many of the same ways that Sugar struggles.

I spoke to my mother on the phone the day after I saw the movie. I was ecstatic telling her details of the film that she would enjoy and promised her that I would get a copy to her soon so she could see. There was one particular sub-plot that I just had to tell her right then and there. Sugar and his baseball buddies are in an Arizona diner. Only one of them speaks English and when the waitress arrives he orders French Toast. The other guys order French Toast too, mimicking the sounds made by the English-speaking friend with the hopes that whatever he ordered they would like too. Sugar visits the diner over and over again, always ordering French Toast. One day, he becomes brave and asks for eggs. When the waitress asks how he would like them, he can only reply "yes". They have a back and forth struggle with understanding and he eventually caves and orders French Toast. The waitress feels for him and comes back with his French Toast and with a plate of eggs. There are a few different kinds and she tells him which is which and how to pronounce them. This scene really touched me and my mom seemed tickled when I told her about it. When I was born, the nurses wanted to tell my mother that I had beautiful eyelashes. She couldn't understand them so that made movements to indicate "baby" (rocking of the arms) and "eyelashes" (applying mascara with a finger as a fake wand).

Watching this film (and reading Dreaming in Cuban - see my previous post) made me realize that I really need to focus a lot more on stories about Latino/a's. I'm at a point in my life that I really need to expose myself to stories that speak directly to me instead of ones about people/places/experiences I can't identify with. I hope I'll be able to use Quelle's Thoughts as a forum to discuss these types of stories.

25 Books Latinas Should Read ~ Dreaming in Cuban by Cristina Garcia

Dreaming in Cuban by Cristina Garcia

Just one look at the cover and the title and I was hooked. Out of the 25 Books Latinas Should Read list, Dreaming in Cuban was the one I wanted to read first. Cristina Garcia blends poetry with prose in this story of a Cuban family, splintered by the Cuban revolution. There is the matriarch Celia who finds happiness in her melancholy life through the revolution and in her adoration of El Lider (Fidel Castro) as well as the hope that her rebellious granddaughter Pilar provides her for her family. The patriarch, Jorge, is a ghost that haunts the entirety of the novel. Their daughters Lourdes and Felicia deal with their own distinct madness and Javier seems a shadow in comparison to the other family members. Then there is Pilar. She's the Cuban-born, Brooklyn-raised rebel granddaughter that seems to be the only one that sees everything clearly.

If you are looking for a book with a linear, easy-to-follow plot then look elsewhere. Garcia's writing is difficult to grasp in the way a good poem takes extra effort to understand. We weave in and out of time and we are never really sure where we are, the chapter headings are misleading. The narration goes from first person to third person often. Sometimes we are in Pilar's head and other times we are watching Celia at a distance or listening in on a conversation between Lourdes and her father Jorge. The only thing that anchors us in the story is the group of well-defined and interesting characters.

Out of all the groups of Caribbean diaspora, Cuban-Americans seem to be the most distant from their homeland. Unlike others who could easily visit or move back to their original country, Cubans remain exiled from Cuba and look upon the politics of Cuba with a discerning and judgmental eye. There is a strong intrinsic tie between the Caribbean-born and their country. I know this from experience as my mother is from the Dominican Republic and although she hasn't lived there in 30 years, and hasn't even visited in over 10, she still talks about the country as though she was just there. Her homeland will never leave her. This kind of connection is crucial for good Caribbean fiction and Garcia captures that in Dreaming in Cuban. For example, Lourdes hates Cuban politics and secretly wants to kill El Lider. She relishes in the freedom of the capitalism and democracy of the US. Yet she is drawn back to her homeland, to see her mother, to bring her daughter there, to reconnect with the ghost of her father. However much she hates what Cuba has become, the Cuba of her childhood is still very much a part of her. Dreaming in Cuban gets at the core of what it means to be from the Caribbean through her magical and lyrical prose. This is a must read for sure.

Extra note: As a classic film lover, I particularly liked the mention in the text of one of my favorite pre-code movies Three on a Match (1932). I even took a picture and put it up on Twitpic! http://twitpic.com/1iqumh 

If you look at the picture, you'll see that it's referred to as Mujeres de Fuego which translates into Women of Fire. Superb!

Full Disclosure: I purchased the book myself.

Selena (1971-1995)

In the early 1990s, Selena Quintanilla-Perez was a rising star on the Tejano music scene. By 1995, she had won a grammy and had a slew of hits including "Como La Flor", "Bidi Bidi Bom Bom", "Amor Prohibido" and "No Me Queda Mas". She was just about to make a transition into the English-language market when she was senselessly murdered by the president of her fan club.

That fateful day was March 31st, 1995 and today marks the 15th anniversary of Selena's death.

There are so many things absolutely wrong about the circumstances in which she died. The person who killed her was reported to be her biggest fan, a trusted employee and a family friend. She turned out to be an obsessive opportunistic thief who was embezzling money from Selena.

At the time of her death, Selena  was just shy of her 24th birthday and was pregnant with the child of her husband of 3 years, Chris Perez. She was in the middle of recording an English-language album and never finished.

Selena was one of those rare gems. A truly genuine person with a big heart. She was always smiling and laughing, she charmed everyone with her bubbly personality, she was beautiful and talented.

I was 14 years old when Selena was murdered and since then Selena has become a very important part of my life. In a way she was a role model and now as an adult, when I watch video of Selena I see how much of her I emulate to this day.

1) Selena's Smile and Laugh - It was infectious. She was always breaking into a huge smile and had a full-bodied laugh. You'll find me smiling and laughing every day, even on my most depressing days.

2) Selena's hair - Earlier in her career, she wore a very short hair cut but then proceeded to grow it out very long. She boasted long curls down to the middle of her back or she wore her hair straing and long with big bangs that covered her forehead. I could never pull of the bangs (believe me I tried) but everytime I cut my hair to my shoulders I would always long for it to grow out. Also, Selena and I both boast Spanish bangs, those little tufts of hair that crown the forehead. She would sometimes wear a Busca-novio a flirtatious little swirl of hair pasted to her forehead. So Latina!

3) Selena's look - She always looked put together. Hair, make-up, nails, jewelry, clothes, etc. I always strive to look my best. You would have never caught Selena out in public in a sweatshirt and sweatpants.

4) Selena's Religious Upbringing - Both Selena and I were raised as Jehovah's Witnesses. Her parents and my mother were only believer but not real followers. I think this affected us in two ways. It gave us an innocence and youthfulness that came with the overprotection that the religion provides. We never really had to grow up. Also, it made us stick to our morals and get us out of trouble. Since Selena died at the age of 24, it didn't affect her adversely as it did me now at the age of 29. I left the religion long ago and I wonder if Selena would have done the same.

5) Selena's bodytype - I can't attribute this to her but we do share a similar body type. Selena had an hourglass figure with a fine bosom, a butt so big that even JLo had to pad hers to match it in the Selena biopic, and robust thighs. My Lebanese heritage makes me carry a bit more around the middle whereas Selena's waist was always super tiny. Selena's shape was a lot more attractive than mine but I like to think in ways we are similar and to me that's a big deal.

6) Selena's work ethic and charm - Selena was driven and motivated and had an amazing career by the age of 24. I can't attribute my work ethic to Selena (I get mine from my parents) but I have always admired her for it. I have always wanted to emulate her people skills. There is a famous story of Selena traveling to Mexico to meet music executives and journalists. Even though Selena sang Spanish-language songs, she wasn't fluent in the language and her father was particularly nervous that his daughter would make a bad impression. You know what Selena did? She went up to each and every executive/journalist, gave them a kiss and a handshake and introduced herself. They were so impressed with her warmth and her friendliness that when she fumbled with her Spanish they couldn't care less.

7) Selena's musical upbringing - Like the Jackson 5, Selena's father put his children to work at a very early age creating music. I played the violin from the age of 7 up until the age of 14 or so. My parents pushed me to excel in music and taught me that practice makes perfect. Selena and I both had to practice our music even when we would rather go outside and play. I didn't have musical talent but Selena did.

Selena broke my heart 15 years ago and today my heart is still broken. For the past few weeks, I've thought about the big gaping hole Selena's death left in this world. You know how people say that the world is because certain people are in it? I say that the world is worse without Selena's presence. At least we have the memories to hold on to.
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"No Me Queda Mas" is my favorite song/music video by Selena. I couldn't embed so please make sure you click on this link and watch the video on YouTube. It's a great ballad, it showcases Selena's amazing vocal skills and you get a little taste of her personality.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7pVdNR3VAfE

25 Books Latinas Should Read Challenge

In order to get myself reading more books and to get more in tune with my Latin roots, I am taking the challenge posted my Literanista. This year I will try to read all the books on the 25 Books Latinas Should Read list created by Latina magazine and posted on Literanista.

The books are:

1.The House of Spirits by Isabel Allende

2.One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

3.In The Time of the Butterflies by Julia Alvarez

4.When I Was Puerto Rican by Esmeralda Santiago

5.Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes

6.Kiss of the Spider Woman by Manuel Puig

7.Death in the Andes by Mario Vargas Llosa

8.Hopscotch by Julio Cortázar

9.The Labrynth of Solitude by Octavio Paz

10.The Death of Artemio Cruz by Carlos Fuentes

11.Like Water For Chocolate by Laura Esquivel

12.The Alchemist by Paolo Coelho

13.Las Peliculas De Mi Vida by Alberto Fuguet

14.The House on Mango Street by Sandra Cisneros

15.The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery

16.Compañero: The Life and Death of Che Guevara by Jorge G. Castaneda

17.A People's History of the United States by Howard Zinn

18.The Aleph by Jorge Luis Borges

19.Harvest of Empire: A History of Latinos in the United States by Juan Gonzalez

20.Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Despair by Pablo Neruda

21.The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz

22.Dreaming in Cuban by Cristina Garcia

23.The Decapitated Chicken and Other Stories by Horacio Quiroga

24.Pedro Paramo by Juan Rulfo

25.Men of Maize by Miguel Angel Asturias

 

A few of the books are out of print, so I may replace some with other titles. Right now I have Julia Alvarez's In the Name of Salome as a back-up.

 

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I want to revive this defunct personal blog and use it as a platform to talk about and review the books I'm reading during this challenge. I hope you'll follow my adventure!